I seriously need to blog about happy things, dammit D: And so I will.

Today, a miracle happened.

Remember how I lamenting over my sucky GP block test essay? And I was despairing and feeling anxious and hopeless and all that? Well, it was all for naught. Even with an incomplete essay with 2-and-a-half paragraphs, I still passed with a 27/50. And my classmate with a complete essay got the same score as me. THIS PROVES IT, QUALITY DOES TOP QUANTITY, HUNNY. And my Paper 2 (compre) was like, woah, better than expected! An amazingly freaking 40.5/50 @A@ I swear I found that paper kinda tricky, but turns out many of my answers were right after all! 8D

I topped my class in GP with a total of 67.5/100. And with a dinged essay. I don't even what to THINK of what I could've gotten with a complete essay. xDv

*****

Haze, Haz & Shang: Last Saturday was one of the best days EVER. I can finally shed my you-know-what just as you three have! ;DDDD /huggles

♥ 9:29 pm

Stop crying! Or your eyes will be all puffy tomorrow and they'll worry.

♥ 9:03 pm

This week was supposed to be a happy one, since Haze is back in Singapore and we can all be reunited again~ But today was just one bad news after the other. First my results, then something I've been looking forward to since last year and have been excited about it for months to come just... didn't turn out as expected. And the worst thing is, it's all my fault.

I told my friends that I've stopped crying, but that was a lie. And I don't lie to my dearest friends. My keyboard's getting wet as I typed this... I feel really stupid, childish and disgusted at myself for crying over something that doesn't even hold a candle to people who are really suffering out there. Shang says it's alright and reasonable for me to feel disappointed since it's something we all looked forward to but...I just feel it's dumb of me to cry over it. And when I first heard the bad news in the train station, I even cried in the train, dammit. I had to face out of the train door, away from the public, so they won't see my tears. Stupid, foolish girl.

I'm not angry at anyone. I don't blame anyone. I'm just so devastatingly disappointed. I don't know what to do next, I feel stupid for wallowing in my self-pity, and I feel selfish too, for even thinking of wanting to stay locked in my room for the rest of the weekend. It's so stupid of me to cry. But they just keep coming.

Get over it Sarah, it's just a measly wrong colour, so what if it's not the one you wanted? No miracle can salvage it. Disappointments happen all the time.

♥ 8:10 pm

I will end my JC1 Block Tests with a bang, mainly because the last paper will be my favourite subject (Math).

Frankly, it's not going so well. Bio and Chem were utterly pulverised, but there's a glimmer of hope for Econs. Wish I could say something good about GP, but that'll be a lie.

For the first time in about two months, I was really feeling melancholic. I was tired, and I quote, of "being the wallpaper". I'm always unlucky such that I'm often smitten by those whom I can't seem to connect with beyond the friendly conversations and courteous things I do for them. I'm just there for them, eager to please, but like every other human, I want to be truly appreciated, my affections to be return, and to be seen as more than just pleasant company. And there's always someone else who just seems so much destined to be their right companion, even if they don't view that person romantically. True, above all things I believe in Love; I believe it exists, I believe it can last, and I believe everyone deserves it, just that I don't really believe as passionately that it's in my future. I was moping about it to Haz last night, and well, perhaps the lack of sleep made me get over-emotional. I guess I got over my melancholy after lamenting about it to her, since I had to remind myself that my personal belief is that Love is giving without expecting or demanding anything in return. For their happiness, even if it doesn't include you in it~

Speaking of Haz, that girl is on her way of becoming Beautiful like Haze. It's so nice to see your dearest friends blooming into the flowers you just know they'll grow to be. True, Haz has lost something so vital to the human soul, but she has gained something too: the mindset to help others for their own benefit, because there is Good to be done, and everyone can become a Good person.

Anyway, I'm pretty disappointed (yes, you may shoot me, fellow classmates) that my school jogathon this Friday is cancelled. I was so looking forward to trying to finish as one of the top 20 girls, so I could win myself a prize. ;D It's a whole-school event, and everyone who's medically fit runs. Awesome, yeah? x3

Saving the best for last: HAZE IS COMING! HAZE IS COMING! HAZE IS COMIIIIING! :DDDD I can't wait till the time comes when I can wrap my arms around her and talk, laugh with her for once NOT over an MSN window. Haha.

******

“Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.” - Jane Austen

♥ 4:52 pm

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return."

- Christian, Moulin Rouge

I'm feeling rather philosophical now after having a talk with someone whom I just can't help but worry about day and night. Hey, if I don't worry about her, who will?

That person's been through a messy breakup and it hurt her emotionally; I would know. The pain comes from having your feelings ripped out by its roots from your heart, and you just want to cry and weep and sob all day if you could. She says she doesn't want to feel pain any longer, she doesn't want to feel anymore.

My dear, my own breakup had taught me a lot of things, one of which is accepting that pain is part and parcel of love, and of Life itself. Building up walls around your heart so that you don't feel is...like not living at all. I've learnt to take pain which I experience into some sort of a lesson, kinda like the whole "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" thing. Pain hurts so dreadfully, it's just damn awful, and it's not like I welcome it; I hate it but if it comes, it comes. Not feeling, even if it's pain, is such a terribly sad thing to me. I don't want to not experience what life has to offer, even the hurtful ones.

And then you said you don't believe in love, or specifically, romantic love. I do have my skeptics sometimes, doubting such a concept. But ultimately, I do believe in (Romantic) Love. Though my lack of self-esteem has made me develop this notion of thinking that Romantic Love will always evade me, I still believe it exists, and not just in shoujo manga fiction either. Call it naivete or wishful thinking, I believe that it is possible for two people to fall truly in love and be mindful of the other's feelings and stay together. God wouldn't make humans with feelings if such a wondrous thing doesn't exist. (Atheists, you may ignore this. LOL.)

"The course of true love never did run smooth." Oh Shakespeare, you couldn't be more right. When you go through bumps and sadness in your relationships, the overcoming and endurance of such things just make it so much more rewarding and meaningful.

Acts of intimacy are sacred symbols done physically out of romantic love between a couple. To have it done not out of love or even when not feeling anything just demeans such a beautifully sacred act; acts such as from the most innocent like holding hands to what goes on behind closed doors. When you do such things out of lust or wanting some form of release or even out of no feelings whatsoever, it's just... demeaning yourself, and those who love you platonically. Even when you're not hurting yourself or the other party engaging in such an act, you're just shredding the fibre of morality embedded in you. And well, you hurt the people who do care for you and your wellbeing. (well, they WOULD be hurt if they knew.) You may be reckless but I know there's some sense of morality and sensibility in you. You're now blessed with an appealing and aesthetically-pleasing attractivenss; don't demean it or abuse it by losing your morals.

I can't enforce my beliefs and ideals onto you, nor can I possibly change your actions, but I hope... this will impact you in some way. Because all and all, I care about you, and I've taken it upon myself to be your moral compass. Sometimes I feel so helpless, like I've lost you somewhere, and I can't seem to find you. I'm not angry at you, just disappointed. Disappointment itself is a form of pain, but it's something I don't regret feeling because it's a pain that shows you're worth something to me.

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

- Stephan Hoeller

--------

My sister taught me something today, something I agree with wholeheartedly. From now on, I'll call girls who are attractive/good-looking/physically pleasing to the eye as "pretty". "Beautiful" is only reserved for girls who have reached a high level of self-acutalization, kindness, thoughtfulness, optimism, morality and compassion. Which is why among the four of us, I'd have to say that Hazel is the most Beautiful of us all. Shang may say that I'm the kindest among us, but I disagree; Haze is the kinder one, her innocence contributes to it too. There is nothing wrong with innocence; it should be valued, actually.

I hope one day I can be as Beautiful as Haze.

Haz, you're pretty, and I know one day you can be and will be Beautiful too.

♥ 9:45 pm

Everyone strives for happiness right? So far, during this June hols, I realise that even if I was poor, in ITE or something, or lost my ability to walk (or any bad situation!), I'd still be happy if God never took away my beloved Shang, Haze and Haz from me.

Lately, we've been conversing a lot via MSN, and I didn't think it was possible, but I could feel the love radiating through my notebook as I chatted with them (: OH AND, WHICHEVER GROUP OF FEMALES THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO CONVERSE ABOUT LOVE AND LIFE WITH ONE ANOTHER, I SALUTE YOU, I REALLY DO. GIRL TALK IS AWESOME. To just have a group, or even another single girl, to talk just about anything and bond with one another is wonderful. You really appreciate the connection between you and your friends; it's a pretty amazing feeling actually.

I especially love how the three of them confide in me, telling me things that may or may not be pleasant, but I lap it all up anyway. It's just to show that they trust me, and have faith in me, a feeling which I relish in (: It's a great feeling to be needed, to be trusted. Trust is part and parcel of love after all, and I love my friends platonically after all~

Hmmm. Speaking of which, I think there was a time when I mused about how the four of us (Haz, Haze, Shang and me) are such distinict individuals. Haze is the wide-eyed innocent and cheery one; Shang has the occasional emo angst going on ; Haz is the uber "realistic", albeit cynical one; and I'm... not too sure what I am. XD I'm not a good judge of myself, I feel. Haha. Maybe a mash of Haze and Haz? :p Anyway, we all complement one another, like as if to achieve a balance of harmony~ It's like, like....family.

They say blood is thicker than water, but blood can be messy, and it stains; water is clear, it's pristine.

------------------

"Pain and joy are part and parcel of experiencing love. If something is not worth feeling pain for, then it's not worth at all. But I'm no masochist, 'course I'm afraid of getting hurt. But, I love more than I fear pain."

- Sarah, when enlightening Haze & Shang on her perception of love

"Best thing about Sarah...is that she's really kind. WORST THING ABOUT HER IS, SHE'S TOO KIND FOR HER OWN GOOD. *insert frowny face* SHE'LL GET HURT."

- Shang

"OK THE BEST THING ABOUT YOU [Sarah] IS THAT YOU ARE SERIOUSLY A GOOD FRIEND. YOU LISTEN TO ME WHINE ALOT (HAHA) AND YOU DON'T HESITATE IN GIVING ADVICE. FOR THAT I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH. AND YOU'RE REALLY SWEET TOO, YOU KNOW? 8D
[Worst thing about Sarah:] LEMME SEE.... SOMETIMES YOU /CAN/ BE OVER THE TOP WITH YOUR CRUDE JOKES (BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I'LL KILL YOU OVER IT XDDD) AND SOMETIMES YOU DO THAT EYE-ROLL THING THAT DOES...MAKE ME...A BIT OF A MIX BETWEEN "OH NO WHAT DID I DO NOW" AND "WHY'D YOU HAVE TO DO THAT DDD:"

P.S. Crap, June hols end after next week and I've yet to finish my work! (As always.) @.@

♥ 10:22 am